For the Deseret News
Pignanelli and Webb — Tomorrow is the 170th anniversary of the Mormon pioneers’ entry into the Salt Lake Valley. The Days of ’47 parade committee frowns on special-interest groups and politicians entering floats in the parade. We respectfully suggest this is a mistake. Instead, they should allow political floats, but the float themes and banners must be honest. We believe this would be the result:
Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman: “From Russia with Love.”
Congressman Chris Stewart: “Working on a new book: The Seven Miracles that Saved the Trump Presidency.”
American Beverage Institute: "Studies indicate that politicians waving in a parade pose a greater threat on the roads than drunk drivers."
Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox: "Working hard to make sure nonexistent voter fraud never occurs."
Congresswoman Mia Love: “Yes, I joined the Climate Change Caucus. Can I still do s’mores on a campfire?”
Salt Lake City Mayor Jackie Biskupski: “Yeah, Salt Lake County doesn’t like me. But who cares? No one I know likes them."
Salt Lake City Council: "Upholding time-honored traditions — battling with the mayor."
Full-time Salt Lake County elected officials: "Pretending relevancy since 1853."
Salt Lake County Mayor Ben McAdams: "The Democrat you can vote for and not suffer Mormon guilt."
Congressman Rob Bishop: “The House is moving legislation. The Senate needs some political testosterone.”
Jason Chaffetz: “D.C. dysfunction is destroying the country! (Easy for me to say — now.)”
Utah Pride Festival: "Pride Day features Utah's second largest parade — and closing fast on this one!"
Gov. Gary Herbert: "To h---eck with the Outdoor Retailers! Our economy rocks!”
Sen. Orrin Hatch (sitting in an easy chair): "Just keeping this seat warm for … ?”
Salt Lake City panhandlers. "Utah’s meth manufacturers, drug dealers and opioid peddlers say THANK YOU for giving us your spare change.”
Jenny Wilson, Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate: "It could really happen. It did in 1958."
Rep. Mike Noel: "Protecting Utah from sinister tree huggers and forked-tongue rock lickers."
Utah Republicans: "We must be living right. Our party is a mess in Utah and in Washington — and we still win elections."
Utah Democrats: "Like the Mormon pioneers, we have suffered hardships, but we display unquenchable faith. We expect seagulls to poop on Republican voters."
Third Congressional District Republican primary candidates: "This primary election is important. Please return from your vacation and vote."
House Speaker Greg Hughes: "You're welcome, Salt Lake City. Are there any other liberal Democrat messes I can fix?"
Sen. Mike Lee: "My arm is sore from being twisted over the healthcare bill, but I love all the opportunities in the media to espouse constitutional principles."
Equality Utah: "Salt Lake City is the place … And we own it."
Draper City activists: "Caring for Utah's homeless … by screaming derogatory remarks at them."
Environmentalists supporting Bears Ears: "The pioneers exploited Native Americans, so we can, too."
Bears Ears Monument detractors: “True, a monument wouldn’t really make much difference, but it’s a good excuse to blast the federal government."
Utah firefighters: "No actual firefighters on this float. We're too busy extinguishing blazes some of you idiots lit with fireworks, guns and campfires.”
Senate President Wayne Niederhauser: "I'm bored already. Can I get off this float and on my bike now?"
House Minority Leader Brian King: "Amazing and rare! A real live active Mormon Democrat. Wonder if I’ll end up in a church museum."
Utahns for Trump: “He’s crazy, crass, crude, rude and unrepentant — everything we love about the guy!”
Sen. Jim Dabakis: "Welcome to my downtown Senate district. Wave at me and you will be automatically enrolled in my left-wing movement, entered on my email list and I’ll incessantly grovel for money to lobby the City Council to appoint me to the UTA board.”
Eagle Forum President Gayle Ruzicka: “Celebrating 1847 values in 2017.”
Mitt Romney (looking through binoculars): “Just checkin’ out Orrin’s float up ahead to see if he’s still keeping that seat warm.”
New GOP Chairman Rob Anderson (on a really fast float): “Gotta keep one step ahead of those debt collectors.”
Pignanelli & Webb (at the end of the parade, with shovels): "Just doing what we do best — cleaning up the horse manure those politicians left behind."
Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and Deseret News managing editor. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is the president/CEO of the Special Olympics of Utah. Email: email@example.com.